The Role of the Role Model: How Parents Can Support Their Children's Extracurricular Activities

As a parent, you are your child's first role model. Your actions can make or break your child's will to either excel at or even quit a sporting activity they may love. Here are five tips to be the best role model for your child when it comes to their participation in sports and other extracurricular activities.

1. Let the Coaches Coach

Kids naturally want to seek approval from their parents and will often listen to a parent over their coach. It is crucial to let the coaches coach to avoid sending mixed messages. All too often, especially in Jiu-Jitsu, I've seen parents attempting to instruct their child from the sidelines. This behavior can cause confusion for the child and, even worse, it can be potentially dangerous if you give them the wrong advice or if they shut down due to the conflicting information.

Parents who know little or nothing about the sport or activity might unintentionally overstep, trying to coach over the coaches. This not only undermines the authority and expertise of the coaches but also creates a confusing and stressful environment for the child. Children want to please their parents, and when they receive conflicting instructions, it can lead to frustration and a sense of failure. This might make them want to quit the activity altogether because they feel like they are not meeting their parents' expectations.

The job of a parent is to encourage the child through support, not to coach over the coaches. Coaches are trained professionals with a deep understanding of the sport and its techniques. They have often spent decades honing their skills and have participated in hundreds or thousands of matches. They know what’s best for your child’s development, safety, and success in competition and daily practice.

Furthermore, coaches are well-versed in the nuances of teaching children. They know how to communicate effectively, how to build confidence, and how to correct mistakes without discouraging the child. When parents try to take on this role without the proper knowledge or experience, it can lead to misunderstandings and hinder the child's progress.

It's important to trust the coaches to do their job. They have a structured plan for each child's progression and are dedicated to ensuring that each student reaches their full potential. By letting the coaches coach, parents can focus on providing emotional support and encouragement, which is their most vital role. This support helps build a positive and motivating environment where children can thrive and enjoy their activities.

In summary, let the experts handle the coaching. Your role as a parent is to be the biggest cheerleader, offering support and encouragement from the sidelines. Trust that the coaches have your child's best interests at heart and are equipped with the knowledge and experience to guide them effectively. By doing so, you create a more positive experience for your child, helping them to stay motivated and enjoy their journey in the sport.

2. It’s Okay to Lose

Helio Gracie said it best: “When competing, if I win, that is good and shows me I am doing the technique properly, but if I lose, it shows me what I need to work on.” This quote encapsulates a fundamental truth about both martial arts and life: losing is an essential part of the learning process. Everyone wants to win, but the reality is that no one will win at everything all the time.

Losing provides invaluable feedback. It highlights areas that need improvement, whether it's refining a technique or adjusting a strategy. Each loss is an opportunity to analyze what went wrong and develop a plan for improvement. This mindset encourages continuous self-assessment and growth, essential traits not just in sports but in all areas of life.

Moreover, losing teaches resilience and humility. It reminds us that life doesn’t always go our way, and that’s okay. It’s through these challenges that we build character and strength. Each day is a new opportunity to start fresh, apply what we've learned from our setbacks, and strive for self-improvement.

Personally, I have always said that while winning is great, I have learned far more from my losses. Each defeat has pushed me to become better, refine my skills, and approach problems from different angles. This perspective has been crucial in my development as a martial artist and as an individual.

Encouraging children to understand that it’s okay to lose helps them develop a healthy relationship with failure. It teaches them that setbacks are not the end but rather a stepping stone to greater achievements. By fostering this mindset, we prepare them for the ups and downs of life and help them build the resilience they need to succeed in the long run.

So, embrace the losses as much as the wins. Each loss is a lesson, and each lesson is a step toward becoming better. Tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start, and another chance to grow and improve.

3. Don’t Teach Your Child to Be a Quitter

We all want the best for our children, but I’ve seen all too often that it’s not the child who wants to quit a sport or activity; it’s the parent. It’s your job as a parent to teach your child responsibility. All too often, children are distracted by video games, TV, or playing with friends and don’t want to break away to do something that requires physical or mental exertion. Additionally, parents have busy schedules and sometimes want to reclaim time for themselves, suggesting to the child to skip practice or quit altogether. This mindset sets your child up for failure by teaching them it’s okay to quit a commitment.

Parents may say things like, "You don't want to go tonight, do you?" or "Wouldn't you rather stay home?" These comments, while seemingly benign, can subtly encourage the child to believe that quitting is their own idea. This teaches them that it's acceptable to back out of commitments, a habit that can stick with them throughout their life. It undermines the value of perseverance and the importance of seeing things through to the end.

Most sports or extracurricular activities are seasonal, lasting 2 to 3 months, or in the case of martial arts, maybe a 12-month commitment. It’s important to honor that commitment, even if your child truly wants to quit, to show them they can do anything for a short period and that keeping commitments is crucial. By doing this, you’re teaching them the importance of dedication and responsibility, skills that are invaluable in all areas of life.

Everyone, including our staff, has felt like quitting at some point. As someone who has been in martial arts for over 40 years, there have been days when I preferred to stay home and watch TV, but I had the discipline and commitment to continue. I’m glad I did, and you will be too. These moments of struggle and the subsequent decision to push through build character and resilience. It shows your child that even when things get tough, they have the strength and commitment to persevere.

By encouraging your child to stick with their commitments, you’re not just helping them become better athletes or students; you’re helping them become better people. This lesson will serve them well in every aspect of their lives, from their education to their careers and personal relationships. So next time you feel tempted to suggest skipping practice or quitting altogether, remember the long-term impact of teaching your child the value of commitment and perseverance.

Be mindful of how your words and actions influence your child's perception of commitment. Encourage them to honor their commitments and show them that perseverance and dedication are key to success in any endeavor. By doing so, you'll help them develop the resilience and discipline needed to face life's challenges head-on.

4. Encouragement is Key

I recently had a set of parents tell me they don't believe in the philosophy that everybody's a winner because we praise all our students. They failed to realize that, like all our staff members, I have been a competitor my entire life. I have been in martial arts for over four decades and have multiple degrees, including one in behavioral science. Over the years of teaching, we have consulted with numerous professional educators, child psychologists, and neuroscientists. Our approach to teaching is that small victories add up over time.

Studies have shown that if you say “no” to a child more than three times in a row, whatever activity or behavior they’re engaged in will be associated with negative thoughts and feelings. It’s important as a coach and as a parent to never do this to your child. You must continue to encourage them, even if they are making mistakes. Praise at least one thing they got right and work on fixing the other mistakes as you move forward.

Numerous studies have also shown that the best way to keep a child engaged in any activity is to praise their effort over their ability. If a child is good at an activity but makes a mistake and you always praise their skill, it may crash their confidence. However, if you praise their effort, whether they do well or poorly, it will encourage them to give their best every time.

Parents should not expect excellence from their child each and every time. Everyone has good days and bad days, and this is true for children as well. There will be periods where a child's growth in an activity or sport plateaus. This is normal and it’s okay. It’s during these times that encouragement becomes even more crucial. A child needs to know that it's okay to have a bad day or to feel like they aren't improving as quickly as they'd like. What matters is that they continue to show up, put in the effort, and maintain a positive attitude.

There will also be times when other kids may catch up to or surpass your child's ability. Again, this is okay. It’s a natural part of the learning process and the competitive environment. As long as your child keeps training, they will maintain their skill set and eventually continue to get better and better. The key is consistency and perseverance. By encouraging your child to stay committed and to keep practicing, you are teaching them valuable life skills that extend far beyond the sport itself.

It's important to remind children that progress is not always linear. There will be ups and downs, but every experience, whether it's a success or a setback, is a step towards improvement. Encouragement helps children build resilience and a growth mindset, understanding that effort and perseverance are what lead to long-term success.

By fostering an environment of encouragement and positive reinforcement, you help your child develop a love for the activity and the confidence to face challenges head-on. This approach not only benefits their athletic development but also their personal growth, teaching them that with effort and determination, they can overcome obstacles and achieve their goals.

So, the next time your child has a rough day or isn't performing at their best, focus on what they did well and encourage them to keep trying. Your support and positive reinforcement will make a significant difference in their overall experience and development.

5. It’s Okay to Struggle

At first, your child may not do well at Jiu-Jitsu, and that's okay. He or she may start out as a prodigy but eventually find certain techniques difficult. This is also okay. Studies show that struggling with an activity helps develop neuroplasticity, which is the brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections.

Neuroplasticity is a fundamental aspect of how we learn and adapt throughout our lives. When a child struggles with a new skill or concept, the brain is actively working to create and strengthen neural pathways. This process is essential not only for learning new skills but also for adapting to new challenges and environments. Every time a child faces a difficult task and persists through it, their brain is growing and becoming more capable of handling future challenges.

By engaging in activities that promote neuroplasticity, such as Jiu-Jitsu, children are given a valuable opportunity to develop critical thinking and problem-solving skills. These activities encourage them to think creatively, adapt to new situations, and find solutions to the challenges they encounter. This kind of mental flexibility is not only beneficial in the context of sports but also in academic pursuits and everyday life.

Struggling and overcoming difficulties teach children resilience. They learn that it's normal to face obstacles and that perseverance is key to overcoming them. This resilience will serve them well throughout their lives, helping them to cope with setbacks, remain determined in the face of adversity, and continue striving toward their goals.

Moreover, the benefits of neuroplasticity extend beyond the specific activity. The skills and mental strategies children develop in Jiu-Jitsu, for example, can enhance their performance in other areas. Improved focus, better problem-solving abilities, and increased confidence are just a few of the benefits that can translate into academic success and personal growth.

Parents who enroll their children in activities that challenge them are providing more than just an extracurricular experience. They are offering a foundation for lifelong learning and development. The brain's ability to change and grow in response to new experiences is a gift that keeps on giving, enabling children to become adaptable, resilient, and capable individuals.

Encouraging your child to persist through struggles and challenges is one of the best things you can do for their overall development. It teaches them that effort and perseverance lead to improvement and success, even when the going gets tough. By supporting them through these challenges and celebrating their efforts, you help them build a strong, adaptable brain that will serve them well in all aspects of life.

In essence, neuroplasticity is a powerful tool for growth and development. By allowing your child to engage in activities that promote this process, you are setting them up for success not only in the specific sport or activity but also in life. Embrace the struggles and encourage your child to push through them, knowing that they are building the mental and emotional skills that will help them thrive in any situation.

Conclusion

As parents, it’s crucial to be good role models and support your children in their extracurricular activities without being overbearing. Allow the coaches to coach, understand that losing is part of the learning process, teach your child to honor commitments, provide constant encouragement, and recognize that struggling is part of growth. By doing so, you help your child develop a love for their activities and the discipline and resilience to succeed in life.